Boyfriend in a coma.

The moon leans down, large and white.

My eyes are closed but I see you in my dreams. You are standing over me. Your wine-coloured mouth is saying something, I see the shapes.

It’s not good, this thing we’re in. This space. You are asking me something, pleading.

The sheets surround me, crisp and white.

Outside the pinpoint stars shine, unblinking.

I hear it now.

You are singing.

You never had the best singing voice, did you love? Good for you though, you’re putting some feeling into it, throwing yourself around like you’re on American Idol.

“I’ll go anywhere with you/just wrap me up in chains” — it’s catchy love, I like it. Not sure you’ve really thought about it though. B&Q with me on a Sunday morning? Or stay in bed with a cuppa and Instagram? Yep, thought so.

Oh hang on.

Wait a minute.

Who’s this coming in?

Bloody hell, I didn’t know Placebo were still going!

Tell you what though love, she’s got some pipes on her this one, no offence. Sequins like Freddie Mercury at Mardi Gras. And what’s that on her noggin? Looks like half of Claire’s Accessories.

I’m right into this bit. I’d tap my toe if I wasn’t stuck under this easycare cotton sheet (no ironing required) pretty bloody unconscious. It’s even better than the first half of that Babylon Zoo song. Don’t get the hump, love, she’s just owning it a bit more d’you know what I mean?

It’s them mad eyes. Reminds me of me mam just before they open the doors at the Next sale.

Hang on, what you bleeding doing! Flipping Nora you’ll have my head off my shoulders flinging me around like that. In my condition! And wailing in my ear, crikey, you’ll have that moon off its hinges. Are we done yet? Is the song over? Has Brian left?

Thank fuck for that.

Right love, could you do me a solid and get a doctor in here? I’m not sure this junior science kit over here is doing the best job of keeping me alive.

Ta babes. Love ya.

Stay by Shakespear’s Sister was UK number one for 8 consecutive weeks in 1992 and was the fourth biggest selling number one of the year. It won a Brit for best video of the year. The man in the coma was played by model Dave Evans, former boyfriend of Siobhan Fahey’s Banarama bandmate Keren Woodward.

This piece was written for the #write52 community writing project, piece 39 of 52. THIRTY NINE NUMBER ONE SINGLES people, no wonder it’s all gone a bit weird in here.

I’m Penny Brazier, a freelance writer who uses humour as a crutch in uncertain times. Instagram me here, tweet me thar.