“Chesney Hawkes hit me with a plank”: your lamest music claims to fame.
I love a slightly rubbish claim to fame. I love the ones that give you a sense of celebrities as real human beings, as likely to get a flat tyre or drop a pack of eggs on the floor in Tesco as you or I.
Then there are the nearly-but-not-quite stories — the uncle who sold Dido a two-bed flat in Primrose Hill, the all-night drinking sesh with Damon Albarn’s cousin.
And I love the stories that reveal even more about ourselves than the celebs. Our gibbering fandom, our chronic indifference, our inability to recognise people while our mate hisses in our ear “THAT WAS BONO YOU TIT!”
A COSHH with fame
Top of my personal list? My stepdad was The Jam’s PE teacher. I have very little detail on this apart from “Foxton was a decent kid but I had to crack that Weller’s head against the lockers a few times”.
Hopefully not literally, but you never know.
My other braggable incident (admittedly a little more niche) occurred when I was working as a bar-tender and doing a COSHH exam in the Rig at Nottingham’s Rock City. Alone in the venue I was diligently working my way through the questions on which cleaning product to use in the incident of a lager spillage, when I felt I was being watched.
I looked up and who should be standing looking at me? Mike Patton of Faith No More. He gave me a little smile and wandered away — he’d obviously walked through the wrong door. Fitty.
Knowing I couldn’t rely on my personal rock star stories for wow-factor (having breakfast with Ian Mackaye? Being stared at by 3/4ths of Kenickie as I staggered up the street with a really heavy amplifier?) as they’re a bit off-piste, I turned to the internet to see if they could throw me some superstar gems.
Did you lot have some crackers. Wow.
Here are some of my favourites. This is a tiny fraction of the responses, but please do check the thread on Twitter if you want to enjoy the lot.
Bladdy excellent stuff. Without further ado…
Indie icons
“Johnny Marr. Disembarking a plane to Los Angeles, after it was cancelled because of volcanic ash. Asked for his autograph. I said ‘they say you should never meet your idols’, he said ‘yeah, and I’m a right c*nt too’.” — Chris K.
“I saw the drummer from The Bluetones going ape because the Northern Drum Centre in Bradford didn’t have something he needed for a gig at Rios that night. I knew it was the drummer from the Bluetones, because he said ‘but I’m the drummer from the Bluetones’” — @waltonyeah
“Gary Lightbody from Snow Patrol complained to me about the price of the leeks in the Co-op I worked in.” — Cara S.
“I sold a parker jacket to Noel Gallagher. He pulled up outside in his Bentley, swaggered in, browsed the parkers, bought one, and drove off.” — Luc B.
“I stepped aside to let Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow through one of the many doorways in Anne Frank’s house in Amsterdam whilst on a city break.” — Rob J.
Golden oldies
“I once offered a cigarette to Eric Burdon (The Animals) at the Nashville in Fulham. He took the pack, shared them amongst his mates then pocketed what was left.” — Kevin M.
“The Saturday morning show Get Fresh was in town, as local kid I played keyboard onstage with Slade. Can’t remember song. Noddy Holder was a big smiley Dad type, very encouraging!” — @copycontentw
“Cliff Richard was a frequent visitor to our local garden centre. He and my mum had the “no no, you take it, you saw it first!” back and forth in the most British way possible over the last sale orchid.” — Holly L.
“Back sometime in the 80’s Donny Osmond once came into my parent’s record shop to use the bathroom (his words) and my dad took great delight in giving him the key to the outside loo shack (it was an OLD building). Dad put a plaque on it after calling it ‘Donny’s Bog’” — Liz S.
Pop sensations
“I made Toploader’s sandwiches once…I was their ‘runner’ for the day and helped the catering team out (who were culinary wizards)…but one of the band requested lemon curd and ham.” — Cat
“Mark Owen’s daughter went to the same ballet class as my 3yr old. He’d wait politely in the corridor with all the mums who would make like he was just any old dad til he left and then they’d all giggle and swoon.” — Emel R.
“I once rode a mountain bike around a wood in Kent with Pete from D:ream.” — @shedfire
“I won a trip to Alton Towers with the Black Eyed Peas but I didn’t go. I had one of those red slip to pick up a recorded delivery from the Post Office. I eventually picked up the notification the day *after* the event. The organiser asked if I wanted to go with JLS instead. I declined and was given four passes with a special thing so you didn’t have to queue to make up for “missing” BEP. I think I won.” — Jo-Anne H.
“I snogged Jason Orange’s brother when we were teenagers and the two people we fancied got off together at a fancy dress party in front of us. He‘d come to the party dressed as Spar, the shop. Honestly, he pulled it off.” — Kaite W.
“Taught James Morrison English” — Pippa A. (James Morrison himself then butts in on Twitter asking Pip to expand, whereupon she reminds him of a piece he wrote about nearly dying from whooping cough)
“Chesney Hawkes once accidentally hit me on the elbow with a plank in Homebase. He said “oh I’m so sorry” and I said “oh my god, you’re Chesney Hawkes!” Smooth.” — @NM_Mum
Living legends
“At a Domino records launch in Islington a woman moved a large bin from near a speaker and put it on top of my handbag. I dove forward to grab it and the woman was.. BJORK. She had moved the bin because “it was blocking the bass”. She was very apologetic and lovely about it.” — Lorraine
“I took statements from two very unwilling Scottish brothers who had witnessed a fight in an Indian restaurant in Park Street, Bristol. They’d just played the Colston Hall. Never heard of them. ‘Letter from America’ came out a few weeks later.” — @Tituswrites
“Elton John gave me a copy of Crocodile Rock for coming third in the village fancy dress competition.” — Mike C.
“Jane McDonald waved goodbye to me from a distance after a rock concert in Wakefield. She then clearly realised I wasn’t who she thought I was, looked embarrassed, and left. I won’t be surprised if this anecdote doesn’t make the article.” — Andrew J.
“I worked on a show where Lady Gaga nearly set fire to her dress during a cooking segment. Gaga told us her dress was so awkward and big it didn’t fit in the loo so she had to piss in a bin.” — Jen S.
“Victoria Beckham was once in the changing room next to me in Mango but I was too shy to say anything in case she shouted at me.” — Dee P.
“After a Bon Jovi charity gig at Hammersmith Odeon in Jan ’90, me and two friends climbed the fire escape ladders to get back inside after the show. The band had long gone (of course), but we discovered a room with a makeshift bar playing host to the heroes and zeroes of the rock world. Everyone — including Lemmy — stared at us before we bid a hasty retreat.” — Graeme P.
“When I worked in hospitality, I bought a dehumidifier for Meatloaf’s room.” — Kelly. S
Catch the rest of the thread here…
A million celebrity points if you’ve read this far down. This post was written as part of the @write52 community writing project which is run by Ed Callow and contributed to by people like me. And maybe you?
I’m Penny, and I’ve been writing about a different number one single every week for 35 weeks now OH YES I HAVE. This is tenous, but was inspired as A Town Called Malice was number one this week in 1982 and it reminded me of my Jam-my claim to fame. Sort of acceptable, non?
If you haven’t nodded off yet, please do follow me on Instagram or Twitter. And please do add your own lame claim to fame to the thread, it is giving me endless joy.
